Dealing with chronic depression, pain, and all the problems from Fibromyalgia is hard for me to understand and face each day with hope and prayers but I do it, barely. I lost the real me so many years ago I don't think I'd recognize her should I ever find her again today. So, I guess it's no wonder that those who knew her and liked/loved her find it impossible to accept this miserable creature that has taken her place.
Sadly, it's this creature that needs the love and understanding even more than her old self. Her old self was far more reliable and out going and this creature hardly leaves her home, let alone her bed. Living with this is hard on me and I do realize it's even harder for those around me.
Everyday I pray that my family will understand and love me as I am, faults and all. I miss them so much. I miss the love and caring they felt for me before. Today I know they think I am stuck up, snob, anti-social and that I only care about myself and no one else.
They couldn't be further from the truth. I have always been tender inside. Feelings always hurt easily, always begging for acceptance. I once was able to at least offer something in return. Some part of myself. But I have nothing left to offer today. I hate who I am now. I hate me even more than anyone else. If I thought I could solve the problems by no longer walking the Earth, I would stop. If it would bring them happiness, I would gladly give up this minute. But I know that for most, at this point and time, they could care less. If they heard I had passed, they'd say "Big Deal" pass the salt. But there are a few special people in my life who have helped me and given me the strength not to give up. These are the ones I stay for. I could never deliberately hurt them. Just as I could never deliberately hurt anyone I care for.
Even if I can't stay in touch on a regular basis, even if I can't see and visit you often please I beg of you, know I do still care. I would like nothing more than to call and talk, to write to you daily, to give you your hearts desire. I can't and I don't know if I ever will be able to. Yet, I ask you to understand. To realize what I am going through and to have some human compassion for me. Please forgive me my faults. Please know I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to give you the idea that I have turned my back on you. I am trying to get well. I am trying to hold on just one more day, one day at a time. But I need your help. I need your love and understanding.
I know I ramble and repeat. I know I am forgetful even if it was only a sentence ago. But know I have not forgotten my family!! I think of you often and miss you everyday! I pray for your wellbeing more than I pray for my own. I apologize for not being what you would like me to be. I want to be all things to all people. But I can't even be me right now or maybe never ever again. But I am trying. As best as I can, I am trying.
May God bless you and keep you for all time to come.
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